Giving Thanks

It’s that time of year again – the most wonderful time or something like that – time for food and football and ah, yes, the “F” word: Family. Our holiday season is kicked off with the overeaters’ favorite and the first installation of crowded living rooms and dining rooms the country over – Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving definitely got me thinking about changing times and what Family really is and with a divorce rate generally lingering around fifty percent, I wondered how my thankful table matched up with others. I have come to think the picture of my little table this past Thursday was a modern Norman Rockwell.

Here is how we were seated: the heads of the table were occupied by me and my live-in boyfriend; the innards were filled with my three sons and my ex-husband. Yes, my EX husband and father of my children. I know it sounds crazy to many. The people to whom I recited my turkey day guest list all looked back at me with eyes that, I swear, had those cartoon black-and-white spirals swirling around. The funny thing about my family is I live next door to my ex. When my children spend an evening or a weekend with their dad, they simply walk next door; if they forget to bring something to dad’s, there is a rap at the door followed by a, “Sorry, Mom. I need my…” and this works for us. Quite well, actually. So when November rolled around, my boyfriend and I had a conversation about inviting the ex to our table. There was never a hesitation or any doubt my ex-husband would be invited. The only question was whether or not he would accept.

Well, he did. Initially. Then after a spirited difference of opinions a few weeks prior to Thanksgiving, my ex-husband told my oldest son (the one most attached to him) over the phone that he would not be attending our feast. The look on my son’s face as he received the news was torturous. My boyfriend, a child of divorce with a neglectful father, couldn’t bear to see the hurt in my son’s eyes. So much so that, of his own volition, my boyfriend called my ex-husband and asked him to put aside any differences or hurt feelings and sit with us for a few hours on a special Thursday not for me, not for him, but for three little boys who never asked to be a part of this familial rearranging. And he did.

So there we were, our little dysfunctional family celebrating our first dysfunctional Thanksgiving, going around the table sharing with each other one thing we were thankful for. When the wave of thanks reached my ex-husband there was a pause and then this: “I am thankful for a phone call that talked me into getting over myself and coming here to celebrate with my family.”

I have so much to be thankful for.

A clebration of awesomeness

I was trying to decide what in the world I should blog about. I am fine when I have a specific assignment but when given a blank slate, nothing! So I finished dinner with my boys and said, "Ugh! What should I blog about?" My oldest son said, "The Steelers!" My boyfriend said, "Blog about how sick you have been all week." Then my middle son said, "Blog about how awesome I am!" And there I had it. He is pretty awesome. All three boys are. Sadly, my hectic schedule takes me away from them more than I would like and Jake is right - I need to stop and remember how awesome they are.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second son, I couldn't imagine being able to love another child as much as I loved my first. I was so upset at the thought of that and upset at the idea of my uber-loved first son having to learn how to share his mother's love that I cried. A lot. The funny thing is, when they were both in my life I discovered how much room the human heart really has. We have such an amazing capacity for love and we simply fall short all too often. After three children you discover each one is different, each one is special, each one needs and deserves their own special version of love. When we stop to think about that, which I am convinced we don't do nearly enough, isn't that the human condition? Isn't that what we need to understand about each other? We should stop being so critical of one another and remember at one point we were each the child who needed our own special brand of love.

So this is what I am going to try to remember going forward: we all need love, kindness, and understanding, we all have unimaginable space in us to give that to others, and my kids are awesome!